Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.’
I am trying to decide if I want to go straight to my parent’s house (adding an extra flight and about 6-7 hours to my already double digit travel schedule) or if I want to try to find a friend I can stay with once I reach the States and do the rest of traveling the next day. Honestly, I’d much rather just tack the hours on and have it be done even though it will mean over 20 hours of travel total (involving five cities, four-time zones, three flights, two layovers, and transport to-from airports). Realistically I’d probably get to my parents house at about 2am, and they wouldn’t even be there to pick me up (I’d have to take a van), but then I’d be there and it’d be done. So why do I hesitate? Because I still haven’t reconciled that “home” the place and “home” the people are two totally separate things.
Ugh, this is pretty much the story of my life, and I am getting really fed up with either having no idea what I want from my life, or on the rare occasions that I do know, not being able to have what I want. Essentially, I am just done being an adult.